


Songs About You

by aixmarie



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, M/M, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-10-03 12:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17284121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aixmarie/pseuds/aixmarie
Summary: Jihoon finds himself humming to a melody inspired by a person who gave up on him. So he writes a song or two.





	1. Habit

It just stopped coming.

It has been a month and Jihoon still has been waking up to zero notifications. He remembers it very well, it was the day after his birthday. It was the morning after a drunken night, when Soonyoung gave up on him.

He took it as a joke. He didn't believe it when Soonyoung said _“I'm done Jihoon. I can't wait any longer.”_ The guy says stupid things when he's drunk so he never thought he'd wake up the next day with no good morning text messages.

Jihoon had always ignored them. It being a regular thing made it so predictable that he didn't even bother replying to any of it. But he can't deny the fact that he felt incomplete now that it stopped coming.

Aside from the messages, it has been cold between them. Work in the studio has been draining as well. He missed having Soonyoung behind him, sometimes making funny unnecessary comments, but most of the time just sitting there, with his arms crossed, watching him work. The presence was notably missing and he would just sigh and stop in the middle of finishing a melody.

Mingyu shuffles on the bed next to him - an indication that it was still early in the morning. His roommate always wakes up ahead of him. A spark of hope coursed through him that maybe today Soonyoung would finally get over the gloom and message him. _‘Maybe he's still asleep.’_ he reasons to himself almost every morning - every time he wakes up before sunrise.

He decides to get cereals. Stepping down his bunk bed, he heads his way over to the kitchen. The greyish light shining through the cream curtain draped to cover the huge window of the apartment revealed that it was still fairly dark outside. Rubbing his eyes, he was startled by a silent presence sitting by the small dining table.

“Hmmm, why are you up so early?”

“Jesus Wonwoo! You scared me!” his hand immediately jumps over to his chest.

“Sorry…”

Wonwoo's voice was deeper in the morning when he just woke up. That's why sometimes they record his lines just after he gets a long nap. It's unusual but totally works for them perfectly.

He reaches for the handle of the fridge door, yanks it open to search for milk. There was none.

“No more milk, Ji.”

He groans. ‘ _Why today of all mornings?’_

He slams the door shut and grabs a packet of ramen instead. It wasn't something he wanted to eat but he needed something to do. It's not like he can head over to the studio today. Bumzu borrowed his studio for a while and he knows he won't be done any time before lunch.

Waiting for the water to boil, he contemplated whether he should just go back to sleep or go out somewhere. This is why he hates rest days. He doesn't have anything much to do but stay in the room. If you ask him and everyone around him, Jihoon loves to stay home and in bed to do nothing all day. But lately, he just sulks when he's left at home and it's so unhealthy. He figures he should just go out today, maybe a little before lunch so he can head to his studio right after.

Turning the knob of the stove, he discards the water down the sink and moves to return the packet of ramen back inside the cupboard. He can feel Wonwoo's stare behind him, but he chose not to comment. “I'm going back to bed, Won.”

Wonwoo just nods silently, taking a bite of his half-eaten apple, but eyes never leaving Jihoon. He knows Wonwoo is aware of everything. After all, he is Soonyoung's best friend. But Wonwoo doesn't say much, he just observes everything. Sometimes, when Jihoon isn't in the mood, he would say Wonwoo is judging him. But he knows better than that. Wonwoo was just trying to be a good friend to Soonyoung. He just wished he had one too. Soonyoung had always been there, every single day, that no one actually dares to get close to him.

I mean, every single one of the members are close to him of course. Seventeen has known to always have that tight bond among members and it's true. Just that, aside from Seungcheol who is always busy with Jeonghan, who else was there for him?

He flops down his bed and locks his headphones over his head, fixing the pads to fit his ears. _‘Time for some Bruno Mars.’_ he taps the shuffle icon, anticipating the first song. He shuts his eyes closed, hands neatly folded on top of his stomach. A soft melody plays and Jihoon recognizes the song immediately. _'Of all songs…’_

**_“I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away… I want you back… I want you back… My neighbors think I'm crazy but they don't understand, you're all I have… You're all I have…”_ **

_‘Talking to the Moon’._ His hands shoot up to slap his forehead. He massages his temples, soothing the start of what seems to be a headache. at the same time trying to stop the prickling sensation at the corner of his eyes. No, he can't cry now. Mingyu's gonna be up soon and he can't cry now. But before he knew it, tears rolled down his temple, wetting his sideburns and his pillow. _'Soonyoung, it hurts and I don't know what to do.’_

The song ends and Jihoon wishes Bruno Mars stops singing some stupid painful love song because he feels like he’s going to be bawling anytime soon. But of course, the world hates him. And he hates this song. He hates that it’s tugging at his heartstrings but in a painful way.

**_“Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made… And it haunts me every time I close my eyes.”_ **

It’s such a shame how the lyrics are so fitting. If only Jihoon could turn back time, he wouldn’t waste a single minute ignoring and taking Soonyoung for granted.

**_“Although it hurts, I'll be the first to say that I was wrong… Oh, I know I'm probably much too late to try and apologize for my mistakes…”_ **

No, Jihoon isn’t strong enough for that. He can’t do it. It was too embarrassing and it might just hurt Soonyoung more. As much as he would want to make everything okay, admitting that he had always loved Soonyoung back now would just hurt him. It’s too late. Maybe Soonyoung has moved on. He can’t be selfish now. Even though it hurts him, he can’t hurt Soonyoung again.

He silently cries himself to sleep, cursing Bruno Mars for making his pent up emotions flow out of him from his eyes. Surprisingly, he doesn’t dream of Soonyoung like he had for the past nights. Instead, even through sleep, music filled his mind. There was some kind of melody, one he can’t recognize but he’s certainly humming to it. It kept on repeating in his mind, like a loop of some sort, ever changing but still the same. He wonders if it was someone else’s song, or if it’s a song he’s bound to make. Jihoon makes a conscious decision in his dreams, as soon as he wakes up, he will head to his studio and wait for Bumzu to finish with whatever he is recording.

He feels a nudge on his arm, like a finger poking him checking if he’s awake or not. His eyes fluttered open, not wanting to wake up without finishing another listen to the melody in his head.

“What is it, Gyu?” he groans.

“You were humming… I thought you were awake so I kept talking to you, but you weren’t responding so I poked you.”

“I was asleep.” Jihoon covers his face with his arm, unsure whether Mingyu can still notice his tear-stained cheeks despite the sleep

“Oh… okay… I just - you were humming so…” Mingyu steps away from his bunk but still facing him, unsure of what to do next.

“What were you talking to me about anyway?” his voice was muffled under his sleeves.

“Oh, Bumzu-hyung called saying he’s done with the studio. He said you weren’t replying so he thought to check up on me to check up on you.”

As soon as Mingyu turns around to check his closet below his own bunk, Jihoon climbs down in a rush and grabs his towel. He didn’t need to shower to be honest. It’s his own studio, and ~~Soonyoung~~ no one would be there anyway. But he felt like he needed to wash his face. It was sticky after all the tears have dried up in his sleep. As he rushed to the bathroom, he prayed no one would see him, especially Seungcheol. At least the heavens favored his request this time. He locks himself inside the bathroom, still clutching his towel. He just hates it when people get too inquisitive, although he knows his friends are only just concerned. He still hates it, especially when he doesn’t even know what’s wrong with him, with the situation or with whatever he feels. How do you explain things you don’t understand to other people?

As always, Bumzu leaves the place in perfect order. They’re quite the same - nothing else is more important than having a clean, orderly and perfectly equipped studio. He takes a seat and grabs a pen from his Groot pencil holder. It was a gift from Joshua and Soonyoung. Well it was supposed to be a mug, but Jihoon wouldn’t really drink from that so he turned it into a pencil holder to put in his studio. He remembers complaining that they didn’t need to buy him a gift, but when Joshua said it was just for $15 and he found it at Target when both of them were roaming around LA, he just thanked them.

Stretching his arms and breaking his knuckles, he prepares himself for the inspiration to come flooding through. The melody was still stuck in his head right now that even if he would consciously want to erase it, it wouldn’t work. Not that he’s complaining. It definitely was a nice tune. The vocal unit would be able to kill it, Jihoon was sure of that. But it needs lyrics - words needed to be put together to accompany the melody in his head. He digs deep into his brain but nothing was there. He keeps humming, finding the perfect words but nothing came.

“Aahhh seriously…” he mutters to himself, swiveling along with the chair, Jihoon bites the end of the pen. It’s getting frustrating. At times like this, Soonyoung would be pestering him with nonsense, but most of the time those nonsense would result into something sensible and beautiful. It was now that Jihoon realized, it wasn’t nonsense at all… it was Soonyoung’s way of giving him ideas. He misses it, he misses the routine, the usual presence - most of all he missed the guy.

Something tugs at his heart again and even though Jihoon is considered one of the smartest of the bunch, he feels so stupid thinking this time his lyrics should come from his brain. No, it should come from his stupid ass heart. Just like when he did this morning, when he woke up with thoughts of Soonyoung in his head, he writes the words down not from memory but from feelings.

Thinking about how he decided to keep his true feelings and not hurt Soonyoung anymore. It’s better if he forgets about everything, make it all a distant memory, move on from it like how Soonyoung did.

**_“When I close my eyes and count one and two… Before I know it, I’m asleep and unknowingly, I look for you in my dreams… I think it’s a lie that I want to forget you…”_ **

What the fuck is he even writing… He doesn’t know if he’s making any sense right now but he just continues to write, scratching out words every now and then. Does he really miss Soonyoung? Is it really because he’s in love with him too? Maybe he just got used to it, and the absence felt like emptiness. Yeah maybe that’s it.

**_“That’s not it… Maybe it has become a habit instead. Even now, I want to at least forget your name that I’m calling again.”_ **

Why is he even going through all this? How was Soonyoung? He hasn’t seen the guy in days. He heard Wonwoo tell Seungcheol that Soonyoung was busy doing the choreography for the new song they were supposed to perform at MAMA, meaning they’ll have to meet again soon. Is he ready for it? Is he ready to see Soonyoung doing so well and unaffected by all these, yet here he was, dark circles around his eyes, skin so pale from lack of sleep, face almost permanently formed into a frown. Aside from the cereals, he doesn’t even remember the last time he had eaten real food. Sometimes, Seokmin would knock on the door and try to lure him out to eat, but he just sulks the whole day, pretending he’s busy with whatever on the phone or that he’s not at all listening. It hurts so bad, sometimes he wishes Soonyoung was also having a hard time.

**_“I rather wish that you were having a rougher time… I would like it if you are having a hard time and think of me too… I also want to act like I am okay but…”_ **

“FUCK!” he slams the pen on the desk. He can’t do it. It’s too much. He doesn’t write stuff like this. Sure, he has written some feel good songs about puppy love and adoration - thanks to the countless of movies Seokmin, Seungkwan and Soonyoung force everyone to watch. But if it’s this deep, he doesn’t even know if he likes it or not. It just seemed too personal.

There was a knock on the door and Jihoon’s head snaps back up, eyes too wide open. “Who’s there?”

“Jihoon, it’s me Seungcheol…”

He felt his heart drop as his gaze drops to the floor as well. He had hoped - just a tiny bit, but it was definitely there.

“Can I come in?”

He doesn’t answer. He just stares at the pattern on the tiles. It sucks to feel. Seungcheol takes his silence as a yes and turns the knob to let himself in. He was crouching as he walks in the studio in a careful stance. Jihoon was pissed at everyone for acting like he was the most fragile thing in the universe. He huffs and turns his chair back around to continue writing.

“What are you doing here?” he mutters.

“I got you some fried rice and cola.” Seungcheol nervously replied.

“I’m not hungry.” He taps the passcode into the computer and starts opening applications. He’d rather be busy now than have someone to talk to. Yes it does hurt, but can people just stop treating him like a child?

“Ji, you haven’t eaten rice in days. You only have cereals. How can you feel full?” his friend flops down the sofa, putting the plastic bag down on the coffee table.

“I am on a diet, Cheol.”

“Since when?”

“Since I stopped eating rice.”

“Ji, you know you don’t gain that much weight even if you eat five cups of rice in one seating. And those cereals have so much more sugar and calories than this.”

“Yeah, I just got sick of rice.”

Seungcheol wheezes and tries to stop himself from laughing, making Jihoon turn around and look at his friend with a frown.

“Sorry, Ji… that’s like the lamest excuse ever…” Seungcheol looks at him, unsure on whether to continue laughing or be serious. “You will never get sick of rice.”

“An excuse for what?” Jihoon doesn’t blink. He just stares back at Seungcheol, challenging him to give the best answer he has.

“Uhm… I - I…” Seungcheol runs his fingers through his hair. “Look if you don’t want to eat it, then don’t. I’m just worried about you. You look so pale, you’re losing weight. Mingyu said you don’t sleep and that you cr-...” his friend’s eyes widen, abruptly stopping his mouth from spilling more words.

“Mingyu said I what?” Jihoon was now anxious. Sure, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was his fault at the end of the day. But why would people talk about him behind his back? Yeah they’re concerned. But if they know him, they should just leave him alone. He’ll get over it. Give him a few more days, or weeks.

“Nevermind Ji.” Seungcheol looked upset as he stood up to leave the studio. He feels awful. But everything was frustrating him. Why did it have to end up this way? Why did everything have to fall apart for him.

To be honest, it’s all confusing to him. What does he really feel right now? What did he really feel before? He doesn’t even know anymore. All he knows is that he wants Soonyoung to always be there with him. But it was too late when he realized he needed to be there for Soonyoung too. And now he’s gone.

Setting aside the piece of paper, he settles to re-create the melody in his head. He locks himself in the studio and vows he won’t leave until he perfects the song. His phone beeps a few times, but he ignores it. For sure it’s just Mingyu or Seungcheol looking for him. They would know that he’ll be stuck in his studio doing work. Not like this has been the first time, he’s always like this every time they need to prepare for a comeback so they shouldn’t be surprised.

When he was done recreating the melody, he was back to his lyrics sheet, trying to come up with more lines. But he couldn’t do it, he was too tired. He doesn’t know how long he’s been there, he doesn’t even check the time, he just worked his way until he was done.

His eyes feel irritated - most probably red and puffy from staring too much at the computer screen. The fried rice was still in the plastic bag and Jihoon felt his stomach grumble. But the couch was much more inviting. _‘An hour-long nap wouldn’t hurt right?’_ Finally, he braves himself to check the time on his phone, 01:00AM it says. Fuck, he’d been in the studio for twelve hours, no wonder he feels so drained.

He lazily makes his way towards the couch, dragging his exhausted body. As soon as his back hit the cushions, he felt the nerves on his shoulder throb. He has been seated for so long, his back felt strained and tired. He crosses his arms over his chest, eyes shutting closed, thinking about what else he wanted to say to Soonyoung… through this song.

**_“When I think of you laughing somewhere, I feel like I’m losing… I feel like an idiot...”_ **

He drifts himself to sleep.

 

His phone was vibrating like crazy, making loud noises against the glass table. Jihoon hesitantly opens his eyes, but the light was still too blinding. His hand travels along the edge of the coffee table, trying to feel his phone. When he finally locates it, he takes a peek at the time. “10:27 AM” it says. He had a full damn sleep instead of a nap. His eyes darted towards the list of notifications below and he almost fell off the bed. 128 missed calls and 146 unread KakaoTalk messages.

_‘What the fuck?!’_

He doesn’t even know if he should be worried. Did they think he died? Or did someone else get into trouble? ‘ _FUCK. WHAT IF IT’S SOONYOUNG? Is he alright?’_ He jolts up and in a panic, taps on the KakaoTalk icon, finding a few messages from several of the members and their group chat flooded with messages.

 

**_에스쿱스: I don’t know… I told you, I left around 2PM, he was still there._ **

**_원우: Maybe he’s just busy… Give him some time…_ **

**_승관: But it’s been almost 24 hours since he went in there…_ **

**_디노: And he’s also not replying or answering our calls_ **

**_정한: Maybe someone should go in and check._ **

**_정한: Cheol, why don’t you go back in?_ **

**_에스쿱스: **sends sad emoticon**_ **

**_에스쿱스: I tried… the door’s locked._ **

**_도겸: Doesn’t Soonyoung-hyung have spare keys?_ **

**_준: **sends a cat emoticon**_ **

**_준: **sends another cat emoticon**_ **

**_준: **sends a meme of himself rolling his eyes**_ **

**_디에잇: Jun-hyung, please stop._ **

**_준: **sends a cat emoticon doing a thumbs up**_ **

**_민규: I think he’s just busy… he was humming to some melody in his sleep yesterday…_ **

**_조슈아: Soonyoung, give me the keys. I’ll go check on him._ **

**_버논: Uhhhh…_ **

**_버논: Soonyoung-hyung is asleep… He just got back two hours ago…_ **

**_에스쿱스: Two hours ago? Where did he go last night?_ **

**_디노: I think he went out with Hyuno-hyung and Mingyun-hyung…_ **

**_디노: They wanted me to go out with them for some drinks but I was tired._ **

**_디에잇: I don’t think they were out till 7AM…_ **

**_조슈아: Yeah, they have practice with another group today right?_ **

**_디에잇: Yeah. Hyuno-hyung mentioned it last time._ **

**_원우: Maybe he went somewhere before going home..._ **

**_정한: My kids…_ **

**_디에잇: Should we wake Soonyoung-hyung up? Just to borrow the keys?_ **

**_승관: I think we should…_ **

**_원우: I think it’s fine…_ **

**_버논: Hey.. wait a minute… I’m sure you’re going to make me wake him up…_ **

**_승관: Who else would wake him up then?_ **

**_승관: **resends Jun’s meme**_ **

**_준: **sends a cat emoticon with confettis**_ **

**_도겸: How about a poll?_ **

**_정한: Seokmin dear, I love you but that is the lamest idea ever._ **

**_준: **sends an emoticon of a dog comforting a crying cat**_ **

**_디에잇: Hyung..._ **

**_에스쿱스: WAIT STOP._ **

**_정한: ???_ **

**_에스쿱스: Hansol, is Soonyoung still asleep?_ **

**_버논: Yep. Def asleep. Still snoring…_ **

**_에스쿱스: Then why does it say “1” instead of “2”?_ **

**_도겸: Ummm… I don’t really understand…_ **

**_준: **sends a facepalming emoji**_ **

**_조슈아: Jihoon, are you alright?_ **

**_도겸: Huh? Shua-hyung, that’s Jun-hyung!_ **

**_원우: Seokmin…_ **

**_승관: Aish, Seokmin really…_ **

**_도겸: WHAT??_ **

**_에스쿱스: Can everyone please stop?!_ **

**_준: **sends a shocked Seokmin meme**_ **

**_에스쿱스: Jihoon?_ **

**_우지: I’m okay._ **

**_정한: Where were you? Sorry we were worried so we called you a few times._ **

 

_‘128 is few??’_

 

**_우지 : I slept. I’m sorry my phone was on silent. I just woke up._ **

**_정한: Shua and I are on the way to bring you food. Please wait for us._ **

**_우지: I’m fine, I’m not hungry. Please, I’m busy I don’t want to get distracted._ **

**_정한: Doesn’t matter, we’ll still drop by. We’ll just hand you the food then leave._ **

**_우지: Okay._ **

**_디노: Fighting Jihoon-hyung! Thanks for working hard!_ **

**_디에잇: Thank you for your hard work, hyung!_ **

**_준: **send his own meme**_ **

**_승관: Fighting hyung! Let us know if you need any help!_ **

 

He locks his phone and looks at his computer screen. He forgot to lock the screen, it was still stuck at the mixer application. He walks towards the desk and finds the lyrics sheet. It was messy as fuck - there were scribbles everywhere, scratches across words, even doodles. He wonders if he’ll be able to finish it soon. He needed caffeine else he wouldn’t be able to function the whole day.

The plastic bag was gone. No fried rice. No cola. It disappeared. Instead there was a cup of coffee in its place. Jihoon thinks it could have been hot several hours ago, but now it’s as cold as the glass table it was standing on.

 _‘It could only be him…’_ Jihoon doesn’t know what to make out of it. Does he still care? Maybe he was forced by someone. Maybe it wasn’t him, maybe it was Bumzu. Jihoon was conflicted. Not that it matters.  _'It could also be Bumzu-hyung though...'_

He heads for the vending machine instead and taps on a few cans of coffee instead. Canned coffee was meant to be cold, while that lonely cup in the office was meant to be hot. It won’t taste as good.

His shirt was getting wet from condensation as he hugs all five cans of coffee against his chest. Joshua and Jeonghan meet him halfway, carrying bags of what looked like takeout food. He attempts to smile at them, but he knows it might have come out only bitter-looking. Joshua grabs two cans as he clutches the three, opening the door to his studio.

“Thanks.” he mutters inaudibly, though he’s sure the duo can catch whatever anyone’s saying at any time.

“Gosh it’s so cold here, how did you not freeze?” Jeonghan comments while Jihoon just shrugs as a response. He sets his canned coffee down his desk while Joshua sets the two he’s carrying by the coffee table.

“Ji, whose coffee is this?” Joshua asks, most probably talking about the cold cup of coffee someone left earlier.

“I honestly don’t know. I woke up with a cold cup of coffee in front of me.” he snaps the can open and takes a gulp.

“Must be Soonyoung.” Joshua tries to appear like it was nothing to mention Soonyoung like that, but he could sense a moment of hesitation in his voice.

“Or Bumzu-hyung.” he says.

“Right…” Jeonghan butts in. “We got jjajangmyeon and some bibimbap. Let’s eat together.”

“I’m not hungry.” he starts fiddling with his mouse, tapping just about anywhere in his screen as a distraction.

“Come on, Ji. We can’t eat here without you joining us.”

“I’m fine. You eat, I have so much work to do.”

“What are you doing tho? Is it a new song?” Joshua asks as he takes the food containers out of the paper bags.

“Yes, for the vocal team.”

“Wow, that’s great, what’s the title?” Jeonghan was genuinely surprised.

He didn’t decide on a title yet, but a familiar word kept on disturbing his thoughts. He looked at one particular line he wrote in the song.

**_“I want to tell you that I miss you. Now that you’re gone, it has become a habit - the habit of calling for you. I live on, unable to erase it, because of you…”_ **

“Habit.” he mutters, turning his chair to face them.

“Interesting title.” Joshua comments as Jeonghan nods in agreement.

“Can we hear it?” Jeonghan says as he removes the lid of the bibimbap. The smell of the food was wafting inside his studio and Jihoon can’t help but feel the hunger. He eventually gives in to the temptation, hopping off his chair and sits on the floor to have better access of the coffee table. Jeonghan and Joshua visibly smiles as they hand him chopsticks and the open container of bibimbap.  
“It’s not yet done. Almost though, maybe in a few more hours?”

“Wow… Sometimes I still can’t get over the fact of how fast you write music, Ji. You’re amazing.” Joshua takes his jjajangmyeon and mixes the paste before digging in.

“I know right? I mean, we always see you work. But sometimes, we can’t help but still be amazed. Like how is that possible?” Jeonghan got himself a bibimbap too.

“I don’t know. I guess I am just a workaholic.”

“It’s not that. It’s talent, Ji. You’re a genius.”

He wishes he could agree. But this time, he credits everything to that little beating organ in his chest. It’s not talent or skill or hard work. It was pure feelings. Maybe he should credit the guy who made him feel things too.

“Jeonghan-hyung, how’s Soonyoung?” he braves himself to ask. Joshua stops eating, his eyes wide in shock. Jeonghan also stopped, but he wasn’t as surprised as Joshua. As if he half expected or maybe half-hoped that Jihoon would ask.

“He’s… well… he’s okay, I guess? He’s burying himself with the new choreo. Almost always with Look At choreographers.”

“Is he eating well?”

“Of course he is!” Jeonghan says almost too enthusiastically, though he hesitantly changes his tone. “I mean, I guess he is. He isn’t home much so I assume he’s been eating whenever he’s out for practice.”

Jihoon nods, munching on his rice. The song was a lie. No he didn’t want Soonyoung to have a hard time. He wants him to be fine, happy and healthy. It’s just that he never thought he would be this messed up. He wishes he was stronger than this.

“Ji, what happened?” Joshua’s voice was too gentle, like it was too careful. There it goes again, but Jihoon has had enough. Maybe he has to let it out. Maybe he has to tell people so he could move on too. Maybe he had to let go of all the pent up emotions so he could finally be free to let go of everything.

He sighs as he puts his food down the table. He rubs his eyes, too exhausted to cry some more, too anxious to start recalling what happened…

 

*****

_Seokmin and Seungkwan were starting a staring contest again, whoever flinches is more drunk than the other. Prize for the winner? Bragging rights. Hansol was stuck on the couch beside Seungkwan, playing omok on his phone. As much as he wants to go back to his room and sleep, he knows no one else could stand a drunk Seungkwan but him, so he stays._

_Seungcheol and Jeonghan were already buzzed and was tucked in one corner of the living room, whispering sweet nothings and giggling. These two would always be like this when drunk, but when sober, they would almost always end up wanting to kill each other. Jihoon doesn’t understand the dynamics of the two. All he knows is that Seungcheol is desperately in love with Jeonghan. Not like Seungcheol told him, he just knows. Everyone knows, except Jeonghan maybe. As Joshua said, Jeonghan thought it’s just harmless flirting. Everyone would just deadpan at this comment._

_Mingyu and Wonwoo were also in one corner, with Jun and Hao beside them. Both parties not starting any conversation - the other two stuck playing games, while the other two stuck in social media. Joshua and Chan, on the other hand, were having a healthy discussion on which American TV show was the best. Chan insists on the dance show while Joshua insists the cooking show was more enlightening and useful._

_There was still so much food. His birthday cake was half eaten, but completely bare of fruits as Jeonghan claimed all the strawberries. Hansol had the most portion of it and now looks too innocent like he didn’t just fight Seungkwan over the slice of cake with more frosting._

_Soonyoung was drunk. After an intense karaoke competition with Seokmin, Seungkwan and Wonwoo earlier, Soonyoung helped himself to most of the drinks. But he was still conscious, thankfully. Jihoon sat on the couch alone, just taking in the scene. It was a mess but it was perfect. All thirteen of them together, just having fun, doing things they want with people they care about - Jihoon could say this was the best birthday party he could ever have._

_He feels the cushion beside him sink, as the weight pressed itself against the backrest. Jihoon moves an inch farther away and downs his half glass of cola. It wasn’t a conscious move, it was more of a habit, that whenever Soonyoung was around, he would always move an inch farther since he knows the guy gets to be clingy and physically affectionate. Everyone knows Jihoon cringes on every single display of affection. But the figure beside him slumped and sulked. He turns around to see Soonyoung with a very serious expression, staring at nothing on the floor particularly._

_Not wanting to get Soonyoung’s attention on him, he ignores the frown forming on the other’s face. He thought about asking, but Soonyoung was drunk and he hates the smell of alcohol on someone else. Jihoon was about to get up to get another glass of cola but Soonyoung suddenly mutters something, making him stop midway._

_“What’s up with you, Ji?”_

_“You’re drunk. Go sleep.” Jihoon replies, not minding to even turn around._

_“I’m not drunk, Ji. Yes, I’m tipsy… but I’m not drunk.”_

_“Doesn’t change the fact that you reek of alcohol.”_

_“Oh come on!” Soonyoung’s voice was a bit higher, making Hansol turn to look at them. The rest were focused in their own shit, plus the music was still loud enough to drown their conversation. “Whether I’m drunk or not, you don’t even look at me! You always move away from me!”_

_“Soonyoung… calm down.” he turns around this time, facing Soonyoung who was still slumped on the sofa. His face was flushed red and his fingers were cradling his forehead._

_“I’m done being calm, Ji. I have been so patient. I don’t even ask for much but why do you always have to be repulsive of me?!”_

_Jihoon was at a lost for words for a while. “Th - That’s not true.”_

_“Oh yes it is.” Soonyoung stands up and walks to his and Hansol’s room. He didn’t know what prompted him, but his feet dragged him to follow Soonyoung inside. A few of the members have noticed the tension now, but they knew better than to get in between an upset Soonyoung and an equally anxious Jihoon._

_Soonyoung slams the door shut, but Jihoon pushed it open just in time and makes his way in. He locks it behind him, knowing all too well about the shitstorm that’s about to come._

_“Why are you here? Didn’t you ask me to go sleep?”_

_“Why are you like this?”_

_“Like what?”_

_“This - this angry… why are you angry?” Jihoon was shaking. If it’s out of frustration or hurt, he doesn’t know. He just stood there, shoulders tensed and feet unsure whether to move closer or stay._

_“Because I get tired too!” Soonyoung snaps as he turns to face him. “I am so fucking exhausted! You know how I feel about you! Well everyone knows!”_

_Jihoon opens his mouth to answer, but no words came out. He actually doesn’t know what to say. Does he know how Soonyoung feels? Yes? No? He has been aware but he was constantly denying it in his mind. He thought ignoring it will be better. Hell he guesses he’s wrong then._

_Soonyoung sneers at him. “Even Carats fucking know. Don’t tell me you don’t?”_

_“What do you want me to do then? You never told me anything! You never asked me anything!” Jihoon snapped back. This is unfair. He doesn’t even know what he’s up to. How can he do anything about something that is so vague._

_“As if we can be anything! But that’s not the point…” Soonyoung sits on his bed, elbows on his lap, head hanging between slumped shoulders. “I just want you to at least acknowledge my presence, Ji. I just want you to want to spend time with me. I just want to know if you feel the same…”_

_What does he even feel? Even he himself doesn’t know. He can hear Soonyoung sniffle, his left hand wiping something off his cheek. Soonyoung was crying and he couldn’t say anything. Damnit, he doesn’t even know what to do. He just stands there, stunned. If only he knew what he felt too. If only he knew how to make things better. But he doesn’t._

_“I'm done Jihoon. I can't wait any longer.”_

 

*****

“Then he left the room. I don’t know where he went that night.” Jihoon sighs at his unfinished bibimbap.

“He was in my room.” Jeonghan replied. “Cheol and I went in to sleep but we found him on the floor of my room asleep.”

He just nods. But his mind wanders back to the events of that night. It still stings. Actually, it stings a lot more now.

“So what now, Ji?” Joshua looks at him, fork still mid-air.

“What do you mean?” he pretends to mix his rice, but he lost his appetite again. Seriously, his love for rice is deteriorating and it’s getting really worrisome.

“Well, first thing’s first… do you feel the same?”

“This is unfair! I don’t even know how he feels about me!”

“Everyone knows Ji. Soonyoung was right, even Carats know.”

“Well I don’t! And I can’t just assume things!” he downs half of the canned coffee. “What if he just loved to annoy me! How should I know?!”

“Then just tell us how you feel about Soonyoung…”

If only he had it figured out, he would maybe tell Joshua and Jeonghan. But he doesn’t have it figured out yet. Yes, he misses the guy. But other than that, he doesn’t know what all this is.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you atleast miss him?”

_‘Nothing can get past these two, really.’_

“Yeah…” he blinks his eyes dry, trying to hide the fact that it was getting really emotionally heavy for him. He misses Soonyoung. So fucking much. “I guess I do.”

“Do you want him to know?” Jeonghan really knows how to make people say things.

“No…” he looks at Jeonghan sincerely. “I don’t.”

“Why not?” Even Joshua was relentless. The duo was just dangerous.

“Because… because he’s moved on. He already gave up on me. And I deserve this.”

“Ji… It’s not that simple…”

No it is. He wants it to be simple. He just wants to kill all hope now because that’s what he’s supposed to do. He needs to know that Soonyoung doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Whatever they were, they are done.

“I’m going back to work.” Jihoon closes the container and dumps it back in the paper bag. “Thanks for the food.”

He walks away from the two and positions himself in front of the computer. Headphones on, he mutes the world around him and drowns himself in the melody that Soonyoung has inspired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, posting another fic when I have two unfinished ones waiting. I am so sorry I feel so demotivated. But this SoonHoon was inspired by that fancam during MBC, when Jihoon approached Soonyoung and the latter walks away. It was painful. Then I watched that Habit performance during Diamond Edge and it just broke my heart how Jihoon sang the song so here it is. I will update kinda slow though, I've been so busy at work so please bear with me. Thank you!
> 
> -A♡
> 
> PS. This has not been proofread.


	2. Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry..

The studio was extremely peaceful today. It’s so unusual for vocal team to be this obedient and behaved. Jihoon doesn’t know if he should complain or not. The usual banters between Seungkwan and Seokmin were non-existent. Even Joshua and Jeonghan’s excessive prank planning was on hold.

“Okay… Uhhh, I guess you’re all ready.”

Silence. They were all just looking at him, no comments or change in expression. He’s hoping they’d just been anticipating and not actually judging him for coming up with a song in less than 48 hours.

“Uhhh, I’ll play the demo now.” he turns his chair around and presses the play button.

He’s been obsessed with that melody since he first heard it in his dreams - which really was odd by the way. And now that it’s finally complete with lyrics, being excited is an understatement. He was ecstatic, but of course he doesn't show it. When was the last time he’s been this delighted about his own creation, he doesn’t remember. Not that he doesn’t love everything else. He always was proud of his work, but this was different. And this was for someone.

**_“Even if I keep meeting somebody_ **

**_And laugh out loud like haha hoho_ **

**_There’s nothing that has changed…”_ **

The demo keeps on playing and the silence has not been disturbed even for once. At this point, Jihoon was already worried. He really doesn’t know whether the team likes the song or not. It started getting frustrating. As soon as the second chorus was done, he sees Seungkwan sniffling. Seokmin looked so solemn, unsure. While Jeonghan and Joshua steal some glances at him every now and then. Jihoon was unsure as well. He was just there staring at the four until the song ends.

**_“I want to embrace you like I did then_ **

**_And tell you that I want to smile…”_ **

“Uhhh…” He really doesn’t know what to expect.

“That was amazing Ji.” Jeonghan comments, a sincere smile on his face.

“It has got to be one of the bests to be really honest…” Joshua agrees.

Seungkwan and Seokmin were still silent.

“Ummm, yeah, the line distribution will be like this…” he hands each of them a sheet of paper.

“You should be able to nail those lines, I’m sure. Should we give it one more listen so you can familiarize which parts are yours?”

Everyone nods, while Seungkwan was trying to hide wiping his tears on his sweater sleeves. The song starts again and this time, Seokmin tries to be attentive to his parts. Seungkwan does the same, but the sniffles never stopped. Jihoon shakes his head. He never expected the atmosphere to be like this, but he guesses it’s for the better since they aren’t all over the place.

 

As soon as the first chorus was done, there was an urgent knock on the door and Dino’s face appears a second later, peeking at them with an annoyed look.

“Hyungs, can you all please come down now? We have to start practicing.”

Seokmin shushes him while Seungkwan just gives Dino a piercing stare. Jeonghan, Joshua and Jihoon were still immersed with the song and totally ignored the maknae.

“Oh is this a new song?” This time, Seungkwan stands up and shoves Dino out the door to lock the studio behind him. Everyone was so immersed in the moment and Jihoon wants to believe that it was a good sign. After the song ends, Jihoon started discussing some more about the arrangements that they were going to make. The door opens once more revealing an exasperated Dino who looked like he was forced to do something he doesn’t want.

“Hyungs, can you please just come down? Soonyoung-hyung is making my life miserable.”

Jihoon visibly gulps, so does the other four people with him.

“L- let’s not make Soonyoung come up here to drag us to the practice room.” Jeonghan says after some time.

“I’ll stay back.” Jihoon mutters as he turns his chair around to focus on something on his computer.

“Ji, you know we need to practice.” Joshua speaks this time.

“I know. Just give me a few minutes, I just have something to fix. Please tell Soonyoung.”

To be honest, he doesn’t have anything to do. He just didn’t know if he was ready to see Soonyoung. It’s been a week since the last time he saw the guy. And having this song in his mind for days now won’t help him become calm at all. He still doesn’t know if the coffee was from him. He also didn’t ask Bumzu because he didn’t know how to form an excuse for asking. Not like it mattered even if it was indeed from Soonyoung.

He checks a few technical stuff, replay the demo again and again, make sure that he had the lines assigned to the right member, etc. He was stalling, but eventually he will need to go down. A long sigh escapes his mouth as he stands up to make his way to the studio’s door. At least if he goes down now, they will be preoccupied with practice and will pay less attention to him. Right? He locks the door behind him and heads down the stairs slowly.

_‘It’s gonna be fine, Jihoon. It’s just Soonyoung. Come on! Calm your nerves!’_

 

Getting himself to calm down was much harder than he thought as he arrived at the door. He can hear music playing and it was definitely their new song. Everyone was definitely excited to learn the new choreography and so was he. But it just wasn’t the same. The nerves were getting the best of him.

Before he gets consumed by his worries, he pushes the door open, throwing away all his thoughts to focus on the practice. Just as the door swings open, the music stops and it seems that they are going to have a short break. Great. All eyes were on him except Soonyoung’s, who was currently busy, or pretending to be busy, with rewinding the song.

“Uhhh, I’m sorry. I got caught up with the demo.” he mutters, totally embarrassed with the pairs of eyes on him.

Silence. Then there were mutters of inaudible “It’s okay hyung's." It was awkward.

“Can someone please teach him till where we left off?” Soonyoung spoke loudly, his voice stern. “I’ll teach the rest on the next part.”

Jihoon’s knees suddenly became weak, but he hoped no one noticed. He hoped someone would reply, but no one seemed to dare worsen the mood. Soonyoung must have been in a bad mood before the practice even started ‘cause even Minghao, Hansol and Seungcheol, who usually are laid back during practices, seemed tense.

“Dino, do you mind helping me?” he said in a very low voice. He doesn’t know but he feels like he’s almost in tears.

“Of course hyung…” Dino smiles at him, but hesitantly. It’s not like Dino doesn’t want to help him, but he guesses Dino was just being careful about everything as well.

“Dino’s with me for the next part.” Soonyoung answered again, coldly. “Seungkwan, help him.”

The pairs of eyes in the room seemed to be running around everywhere, it was pure torture for him. Jihoon literally wanted to run out of the room, lock himself up in his studio and sulk in the corner of his recording booth. But he couldn’t. Seventeen and work is still his priority. So even though he felt like his insides were in an ugly twist of pain and discomfort, he still smiled at Seungkwan, who thankfully smiled back at him comfortingly.

 

*****

 

“Seungkwan, don’t overdo it. Just sing it as it is. But add some -- something… I mean...”

“It’s okay hyung, I know what you mean.”

“Let’s do it again.”

Seungkwan sings the lines perfectly but Jihoon wasn’t sure if he was satisfied. To be honest, everyone in the vocal team did a great job with the recording. Just that, something was always missing. And Jihoon knew, it was feelings - the real feel of it, the authenticity of the song. And so he keeps on asking them to do it again until they were finally proud and satisfied of their work. No one complained. Jihoon knows Jeonghan and Joshua understands him, while Seungkwan and Seokmin are too nice to protest.

“I’m sorry. I think I’m just exhausted. You all did great.” he rubs his eyes as he finishes the recording with Seungkwan.

“It’s a great song, hyung. That’s why it will come out great.” Seokmin flashes him a sincere smile. “I wish we could do our parts better.”

Jihoon nods, appreciative of his team’s concern and understanding.

“Don’t worry, I will make this the best vocal unit song.”

“I am sure you will. But I still love 20.” Seungkwan butts in with a teasing smirk and Jihoon chuckles.

“Cheol messaged, asking if we’re done. I think we’re having a meeting regarding the comeback.” Jeonghan stands up, brushing his pants and dragging Joshua with him. “Let’s go before Hansol drifts to sleep.”

“Alright.” the other two stood up as well, following their hyungs.

“Give me fifteen minutes, I’ll just finish up here and catch up with you.”

“Okay hyung!”

 

*****

 

“The management thinks it’s the best time for us to do mixed unit songs.” Seungcheol explains to them. “I know we had some ideas before, and now it’s the best time to dig them out and make it happen.”

“I think Dino took note of our previous discussions.” Seokmin added.

“Yes, well.” Dino clears his throat as he starts to read from his phone. “China Line. Then there’s American Line. And Jihoon-hyung mentioned about that one song where he can have six people. And BooSeokSoon. Joshua / Jeonghan. Hoshi / Woozi.”

“Ah yes.” Seungcheol replies awkwardly as the room fell even more silent at the mention of the last pair. “Well, we don’t need all those for the next album do we?”

“No, we need those for the full length album.” Wonwoo joins in the conversation.

“If I suggest one, I think it should be China Line.” Mingyu replies, hands on his chin as he seems to be in deep thought. “Carats have been asking for Jun-hyung and Hao to have a song. I think this time’s perfect.”

“We could do that. What do you think, Ji?” Seungcheol directs the question to him unexpectedly.

“Ah, yeah. I think we can.”

“How about unit songs?” Mingyu asked.

“Oh, vocal unit already has one! In fact, we finished recording it just now.” Seokmin brags confidently.

“Was that the one last week, with the demo?” Dino looks betrayed as Seokmin and Seungkwan nods at his question.

“What’s the concept?” Seungcheol looks at Jeonghan for more details.

“Pain.” Jeonghan just shrugs his shoulders.

The room fell silent, unsure of how to react. They of course would think that Jihoon wrote the song and completed it in just a few days time because he was in actual pain. Everyone loves to assume all the time. Just that, this time they’re right.

“Well… we could do a sad concept.” Wonwoo mutters, his voice too deep and low it made everybody shiver. “I mean… something melancholic.”

“Yeah we could propose that to the management.”

“But we should make sure that we are still not going far from our own style.”

“Of course.”

“Do you think we could do that Ji?

Everyone’s eyes were on him. Well, except for Soonyoung’s of course, who was silent the whole night. Could he do it? Of course he could. Should he do it? He doesn’t know if he should. He already had difficulty sharing Habit to his team and that was one song. What more an entire album dedicated to how he feels right now?

“Yeah.. I think - I think we can.” he replies hesitantly.

“Great! As usual, Hansol, Wonwoo, Mingyu and I will come up with our own. And China Line, think of your concept. Performance Team, think of yours too, then share it with Jihoon when you’re done.”

Everyone mumbles and nods in agreement, and the meeting was dismissed with a pleased aura coming from each and everyone. Though Jihoon doesn’t know where to start now. He has to come up with at least two more OT13 songs. And in this situation, he doesn’t know whether he’ll do good. Or he’ll just fail.

 

*****

 

It’s been weeks and Jihoon has been drowning with music. They have decided to go for a melancholic concept this time and Jihoon doesn’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse that he is in such a mood. Habit is a perfect addition to the album and Don’t Wanna Cry would be the perfect title song. He just hopes Carats would love it as much as he does, because this time, the genre is quite different than their previous quirky and fun music.

Soonyoung was quite busy too. Creating a choreography for such a title song is quite a challenge. But Jihoon is confident that Soonyoung can do great. He would drag a few members out for a walk to get some inspiration. Often times, as Jeonghan would tell him, they would go to parks and Soonyoung would just look faraway, or at people crossing the pathways, or at the street lamps lined along the busy roads.

_“I think he’s moved on.”_

_“I am not sure about that, Ji. He laughs and jokes but he still looks distant.”_

_“It’s been quite a long time. I think he’s over m-- over it.”_

_“Are you over him, Ji?”_

_He stops tapping on his keyboard and stares at his computer screen for a moment. He hears Jeonghan audibly sigh behind him. “It doesn’t matter.”_

_“Of course it matters! Why wouldn’t it?!”_

_“It’s been months...” he whispers as he turns to face Jeonghan on the couch. “He has never been this distant from me since the day we met. The longest was when he went on that family vacation during that one break that we had. And that was just 5 days.”_

_The room fell silent for a few minutes before Jeonghan sighs one more time as he gets up to leave the room. “Just please take care of yourself, Ji. We are all here behind you, behind the both of you…”_

Making the finishing touches on the songs, Jihoon rubs his eyes as sleep tries to take over his consciousness. It has been a long day… actually a long week. He’s done the proposed title song, the vocal unit song, the China line song, one more OT13 song… performance unit and hip hop unit songs will be helped by Bumzu… just one more OT13 song… maybe…

_‘Ahhh, maybe I’ll just doze off for a while.’_

His mind was a mess and his head started to hurt.

 _“Just please take care of yourself, Ji.”_ He remembers Jeonghan’s words.

Maybe it’s time to move on too... Maybe it’s time to let go, for a change... He should get used to this now, being alone in the studio more often than having someone with him. Jihoon hops down his chair and heads for the much loved sofa. As soon as his back hit the cushions, his eyes shut closed as he drifts to sleep.

 

*****

 

“Unfortunately, the management said that we can’t have two “sad” OT13 songs.”

The group grumbles as Seungcheol delivers the news a few days after.

“I know we all loved the songs so we have to choose between ‘Don’t Wanna Cry and---”

“It makes sense, but that’s too difficult to choose between the two.” Hansol interrupts.

“So that’s Crazy In Love as the “not sad” song.” Seungkwan continues “And the other one we have to decide now.”

“Ji, what do you think?” Jeonghan directs the question to him.

He stares back at the pairs of anticipating eyes.

“Uhhh, why don’t you ask Soonyoung?” he tries to act as if mentioning Soonyoung’s name wasn’t a big deal. But everyone knows him better.

The pairs of eyes now divert their attention on the performance unit leader who had his head down, now was looking back at them with uncertainty.

“Me?” Soonyoung points to himself. “Oh…”

“What do you think? Which song do you think is better for this album?”

“Uhhh, personally I would choose Don’t Wanna Cry because for music shows, we can perform it better than the other one. That’s just from my perspective as a performance unit leader. But.. the other song is good too.”

“Why don’t we all have a listen and compare?” Hansol suggests.

“I think this is probably Hansol’s favorite song huh.” Joshua raises his eyebrows at his dongsaeng.

“I mean, it’s reaaaally good.”

“When did Woozi-hyung ever make a bad song huh?” Dino interrupts.

“But it’s really good.”

“Shhhh now. Let’s have a listen.” Seungkwan hushes the two maknaes as Seokmin plays the song from his mobile phone.

 

**_“Without you it was hard, and I was afraid_ **

**_Because the thought that I am alone scared me._ **

**_I wasted time like a fool_ **

**_Not realizing time was passing.”_ **

 

The members started shuffling in their seats, unsure on how to react to every word in the song. But despite of everyone being bothered of the situation, Jihoon finds himself not concerned. _‘Oh, this feels new.’_ he thought to himself.

 

**_“I was following you till I ran out of breath_ **

**_But you’re not here..”_ **

 

Soonyoung appears to be unbothered too as he seems to be more focused on the choreography he was gonna come up with in case this song would be chosen as the title song instead.

 

**_“You’re not here but I wear my hat tight_ **

**_Although I get hurt by hitting here and there_ **

**_You, who are indifferent, are pretty and so bad… yeah_ **

**_I’m falling, and breaking down…_ **

**_I’m not important to you anymore.”_ **

 

Someone was sniffling. And it wasn’t Seungkwan or Seokmin. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, it was Hansol. Seungkwan looked bewildered and Minghao started to giggle at the scene. The atmosphere felt lighter as Jun starts to laugh too.

 

**_“I might go crazy like this_ **

**_I try to tell myself that maybe that might be better_ **

**_But it’s the same, no.. I’m not gonna do this.”_ **

 

The laughing died down as Jeonghan and Seungcheol tries to shut them up. The comeback was already scheduled and they needed to come up with a decision today.

 

**_“Now I know you’re not there_ **

**_It hurts so much to know that.._ **

**_It’s hard to even say I’m okay.._ **

 

**_I don’t even want to say it.._ **

**_Just thinking about you hurts so much.”_ **

 

Everyone was focused this time. Thinking more of technicalities rather than feelings. Thinking of whether this was a better choice than ‘Don’t Wanna Cry’. The song was almost coming to an end and it seems like everyone has picked their choice.

“That just hurt too much.” Hansol sniffles defensively.

“I guess we've decided?” Seungcheol looks at them in question.

“Yeah… I don't think we can have him crying onstage every music show.” Seungkwan jokes as he pats Hansol's back.

“울고 싶지 않아 then?”

“Yep. 울고 싶지 않아 it is…”

 

*****

 

They were panting like they've just gone out for a race. Soonyoung wasn't kidding when he said that the choreography was a bit more complex. Even Minghao was draped on a stool, catching his breath.

“This doesn't make sense! The song was supposed to be sad and melancholic! How can we have an equally tiring choreography?!” Mingyu whines as he slides himself down the wall dramatically.

“Stop whining.” Wonwoo slaps him playfully with a towel. “And no, it’s not equally tiring. It’s definitely more tiring.”

“Oh come on guys… the choreography is definitely cute don’t you think?” Seokmin beams despite a sweaty face, but earns a side eye from Seungkwan.

“Yeah cute, especially the part where Cheol was supposed to walk past me, instead he pushes me “PLAYFULLY” Jeonghan was definitely furious.

“Hannie! That was just a joke…” Seungcheol was practically pleading now.  “I didn’t know it was hard.”

“Oh iT WAS HARD ALright!” he looked like he was gonna land a punch at Seungcheol’s face any moment now. Both Jihoon and Soonyoung laughed at the same time as Seungcheol looked so helpless and in trouble.

“Okay okay get up get up. We still need to decide who’s cleaning the practice room.” Dino straightens them up as he brings over the spinning wheel, with names of the mixed units taped on each slot. Everyone protests but drags their exhausted bodies in the middle of the practice room to look at their fate.

“Who gets the pleasure of spinning the wheel tonight?” Seokmin announces, but received no reply.

“Let’s get this over with.” Joshua comes up to the center and spins the wheel. A few of them were focused on the pointer while others just rolled their eyes, annoyed of the possibility that they might have to stay back. Seungcheol was still trying to calm an upset Jeonghan.

“Please not maknae not maknae line.” Seungkwan prays audibly, his hands clasped together on his chest.

The wheel was slowing down and everyone’s attention was on it this time. It was such an exhausting day and at 4 in the morning, who would want to stay to do more work?

Dino rubs his palms together. “And the lucky winner is….”

The wheel stops spinning, and there it was in bright red letters… “LEADER LINE!” Sighs of relief were heard and a single sneer coming from Jeonghan dominated the scene. Everyone got up, with some (maknae line in particular) screaming in joy while running to the exit.

Jihoon heads towards the curtains to draw them close, while Soonyoung heads to the table to gather the used cups. Seungcheol was still apologizing to Jeonghan.

“Ah these two seriously!” Joshua shakes his head as he walks past them.

“Wait for me Shua, I am going with you.”

“No, no Han! Wait. Forgive me first before you go!”

Ignored. Seungcheol was totally ignored as the door slams shut at his face.

“Ji, please please let me go tonight. I promise I will clean the practice room alone tomorrow! I’ll even buy you 24 cans of coke. Just let me go first tonight!”

Jihoon looks at him in disbelief, but just shrugs his shoulder. “Ask Soonyoung.”

“Soonyoungie, please let me go tonight! I will clean this place alone tomorrow!” he pleads again, this time with matching puppy eyes.

“Just go hyung, you just got back together. We don’t want another world war.” Soonyoung smiles at the leader, who looked like he was about to cry.

“Oh thank you! Thank you!” he blows kisses at the both of them as he sprints outside the door to, most probably, look for a very very upset Jeonghan.

 

The practice room automatically fell silent, save for the sound of Jihoon mopping the floor and Soonyoung dumping more trash in the plastic bag. The tension was obvious and the awkwardness floated in the air. The two of them haven’t been alone in a room since they fought in Soonyoung and Hansol’s bedroom on the night of his birthday.

“It’s been a long time huh.”

Jihoon thought he was the one thinking out loud, but as he looked at the source of the voice, Soonyoung was smiling slightly but his eyes were focused on the water dispenser. His cheeks were raised a bit and it had a tinge of pink to it as he lifts the heavy water gallon to replace the empty one. Jihoon definitely missed that.

Remembering that he probably had to respond, Jihoon shakes his head and clears his throat. “Yeah it’s been a while.”

“How have you been?”

“Ah, I’ve been fine. Thanks.” He proceeds to mop the floor the second time just to distract himself. He definitely didn’t see this coming. “And you?”

“Hmmm not that fine.”

Jihoon stops and looks at Soonyoung. He was standing three feet away from him, his eyes searching for his. “Why?”

“It was difficult, Ji. Definitely difficult.”

“What was difficult?” Jihoon was internally panicking now. He wasn’t prepared for a confrontation.

“I ~ I mean… I had a hard time Ji. And I wasn’t sure if you did too. But I just had to do it.”

“Do what?”

“Distance myself from you…” Soonyoung looked down at his feet, eyes trying to focus on a certain spot on the floor. “...I now understand how you felt. I know we couldn’t risk it, we’re idols and being in a relationship, having these feelings for you… it won’t help us at all. It wasn't - isn't - how it's supposed to be and now I know.. I understand..”

Jihoon was confused. He didn’t get it. “Soonyoung…”

“No Ji. Let me finish. ‘Cause I might not have the guts to tell all these to you next time.”

“It was getting stronger Ji, and you were ignoring me and I felt helpless and anxious. I wanted you. But you just weren’t giving me the chance. But time taught me… taught me what you wanted, taught me how to survive without having to force my feelings onto you, taught me that I can accept rejection…”

“Soonyoung… how can you say that? I had a hard time too.” Jihoon doesn’t know whether to feel upset, frustrated or confused. “We were always together and not having you around…”

“I know.. I know... “ Soonyoung interrupted him again. “We were the closest of friends. Just friends.. And I finally understood why we needed space… I needed to teach myself. I needed to move on.”

“Soonyoung… please.”

“And I finally moved on.” Soonyoung smiled at him. “You’re finally free from me.”

Jihoon felt like his entire body was draped in an ice-cold sheet as he stared at the floor between them. He felt light-headed as the world around him morphs into an ugly kaleidoscope of lights, mirrors and Soonyoung.

He thought he was over it, over Soonyoung getting over him. But it felt different when he heard him say it.

“I’m... finally… free from you.” he pulls himself together to look at the man in front of him. Soonyoung seems to be oblivious of his anxiety.

 

“Friends?” Soonyoung tilts his head as he searches Jihoon’s eyes for an answer.

 

No answer can be found there.

Jihoon braves himself and gives Soonyoung a blank expression followed by a curt nod.

 

“Friends.”

 

“Great.” Soonyoung’s smile never left his lips as he walks past Jihoon towards the exit. “See you around Ji. Goodnight.”

 

He hears the door slam shut as his world starts to crumble.

 

_‘I lost him. From now on, it will never be the same -- we will never be the same.’_

 

His knees felt weak and he finds himself seated on the floor, cradling an aching head and soothing an aching heart.

 

Little did he know that the person who was responsible for all the pain was at the other side of the door, comforting an equally broken heart.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

**_“From now on, until the day you come back, I think I’m gonna change...”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took soooo long. I was busy with the comeback as I was an admin of a huge fanbase. But after all the stress, I finally resigned and now I have time for myself. I had some adjustment period and attended to some personal matters. I will try to finish all my pending fics one by one and come up with new ones.
> 
> I'm sorry if I broke your heart on this one. Please forgive me! T__________T


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